The title says it all. Before I go on writing this entry, let me give you a glimpse of my background. I've always wanted to be a fashion designer, with high dreams of going to fashion school and graduating and eventually starting my own label. I am currently out of nursing school because of migration, yes NURSING SCHOOL. I know this is far from what I dreamed of but this is the story of what happened and why I'm feeling this way.

When I was in Junior year High School, I've decided that I would go to fashion school and take up Fashion Design (what else!). On my Senior year, my mom went to the US to accompany my brother so I was left home with my sister and my dad. My father, being a supportive man didn't really force me what to pursue, he just let me choose what I want and take entrance tests to universities that I want to attend. I took tests for Industrial Design, Clothing Technology, European Languages, and Hotel and Restaurant Management or HRM (basically all the courses that interest me). I passed Industrial Design and HRM and barely made it to the other two courses. I planned on taking the entrance test to DLSU-CSB for the Fashion Design course but it was too far and I don't know how to get there.
I did my thing and this is when things started to change. I have been "influenced" to take up nursing by some relatives. I know that they have good intentions. Others said that I can take this course as a "fall-back" just in case my dreams would fail. I have no negative feelings towards the Nursing schools, Nurses or anything related to the matter. It's a noble profession but it's just it's not really for me. Others said that this is the only path to go, no side streets. I was "convinced" or was I?

I'm supposed to be in my Junior year in college right now if I didn't have to move to a different country. I am now torn between staying and continuing my education here or going back to the Philippines and go to school there. I chose the latter, and now part of me regrets that decision, all of my decisions. I only want to go back to see my sister and my friends but the idea of being far away and school scares me. I regret having to take up nursing and putting my dreams on hold for a vision that is not truly mine. If not for financial reasons, I would've chosen to stay here and go to school here.

Now, there are more conditions. Apparently, I will buy us a house when I get a job. I will be the provider. I have no issues with helping my family but what about my dreams? What about the things I want to pursue? I want to go back to fashion school and take up the course that will fulfill my needs and passions as an artist. I want to start working on my dream as early as possible. It may sound selfish but it feels like the only thing I can do is give up on it and throw my dream away. I feel defeated. I feel fooled.
It's funny how other people appreciate my skill and see my potential but some of my family members just take it for granted. If only I had the chance to pursue what I wanted, I would've graduated and started trekking on the path I chose with my heart.
This entry might spark a lot of conversations and reactions. This is how I feel and this is how I think. If this doesn't please you, I cannot apologize for my feelings.
I just hope, wish and pray that I will have the opportunity in the very very near future to become successful in ways that I see with my own perspective and not with others.
And to the person who I talked to tonight, thank you so much. I miss you and I love you. I'll see you soon. You know who you are. :)